Jubilation, U.S.A. Page 2

upthere, sometimes stays light the whole confounded year 'round."

  "That must be it," agreed Okie, "and that's why they're wearin' themcrazy suits." The saloonkeeper unloosed a grim laugh. "You can take themarctic pajamas off now, boys. Weather's kinda warm in these parts!"

  "Hey, fellas!" a voice shot out, "didya bring any Eskimo babes down withyou?"

  * * * * *

  The crowd roared approval at the witticism.

  Toryl transmitted a depressing thought to his companion. "_I fear theydo not believe us, Sartan._"

  Sartan did not get the opportunity to answer immediately.

  "Listen, you guys," Okie pounded his fat finger into Sartan's chest. "Iwant you to behave yourselves, understand? Now that means lay off thecustomers while they're at the games. You wanna gamble there is plentyof machines available. I got a respectable place, I wanna keep it thatway!" He turned and addressed the other men. "All right, boys, fun'sover! No fight today! Drink up and gamble your money away. Let's getback to the games."

  * * * * *

  It was necessary for Toryl to use the crypterpreter to translate thevarious signs along the bar. Okie saw the small cylindrical machinesitting on the bar. His curiosity bested him. He gave it a more thoroughexamination than a dog gives a fireplug.

  Some of the signs read: "DOUBLE BOURBON--$2.10" "COOL GIN RICKEY--$1.25""IN GOD WE TRUST, BUT NOBODY ELSE!" "RUM COLLINS--$1" "A FRIEND IN NEEDIS A FRIEND INDEED" "NO INDIANS SERVED HERE" and "SCOTCH--IMPORTED,$1.50--DOMESTIC, $1.30."

  "Cool gin rick-ey," said Toryl.

  "Comin' right up," Okie mumbled, his attention still wrapped around thecrypterpreter. "Say, what is this gadget anyway?"

  "It is a cryp-terp-reter," Toryl beamed with pride. "It en-ables us toun-der-stand and speak your lan-guage."

  "Aw, go on!" Okie managed a fainthearted grin, uncertain of whether hisleg was being pulled. "Come on now, tell me what it is."

  "But I have just told you, sir."

  The barkeep cursed under his breath. "Two gin rickeys, did you say?"

  "Yes."

  Okie brought the drinks.

  Sartan smiled broadly. "Thank you ex-ceed-ing-ly."

  "That'll be two-fifty."

  Toryl raised his glass as though making a toast. "Two-fif-ty!" herepeated.

  Okie caught his arm and brought the glass down.

  "Two-fifty!" the barkeep said with grim insistence.

  Sartan pursed his lips comprehendingly. He removed a large pentagonalpiece of metal from his pocket and gave it to Okie.

  Okie took the piece between his fingers, examined it and frowned. "Igive up. What is it?"

  Sartan had to glance at Toryl for an answer. Toryl threw a switch on thecrypterpreter.

  "_Money_," Toryl silently advised him.

  "Money," said Sartan to Okie.

  "You guys hold on and don't drink up yet," growled the barkeep. He thenyelled in the direction of the blackjack table. "Hey, Nugget! Get onover here, I need you!!"

  A wiry little man with a full, unkempt beard, hustled over to the bar."Nugget McDermott at yer service, Okie! What's yer pleasure?" he askedwith a sunny smile.

  "Take a look at this." Okie handed him the piece of metal.

  The old prospector turned it over in his hands, bit it and then held itin his palm as though to judge its weight. His expert opinion was, "It'sgold, Okie," and was uttered without a shred of modesty.

  "Are you sure?"

  The old-timer was highly insulted. "Am I sure!! Why you lop-eared,sun-stroked jackass, of course I'm sure!!! Nugget McDermott is drawed togold like nails to a magnet! Why when this here town was nothin' but apatch of cactus--"

  "All right, all right," Okie waved him off, "don't get your gander up!Go on back to the blackjack table and tell Sam to give you a drink onthe house."

  "Much obliged, Okie, much obliged," said Nugget, doffing his hat andtrotting back to the blackjack table.

  The barkeep's face was pure sunshine when he turned to the aliens again."Gentlemen, with this kind of a substitute you don't need money in myplace. Drink up!"

  "Thank you ex-ceed-ing-ly," said Sartan.

  Okie arbitrarily judged the gold piece to be worth ten dollars. "Themanagement invites you to try your luck, gentlemen. Go on give it awhirl."

  Toryl and Sartan wore blank expressions as Okie slapped seven dollarsand fifty cents change on the bar--four silver dollars, fourhalf-dollars and six quarters.

  "Don't be bashful, gentlemen. Okie's machines are friendly to one andall," said the barkeep.

  * * * * *

  Toryl removed the change and gave his companion two silver dollars, twohalf-dollars and three quarters.

  "_What is the purpose of the machines?_" thought Sartan as theyapproached the one-armed bandits.

  "_I suppose that is what the one called Okie wishes us to learn._"

  "_Perhaps it is some type of registration machine._"

  "_It is doubtful. The gentleman you disturbed has been at the samemachine since we arrived._"

  Sartan gripped the handle of a vacant machine. "_Do you think it mightbe a kind of intelligence test?_"

  In lieu of an answer Toryl focused his attention on a small card, abovethe machine, which gave the winning combinations.

  "_There is that term again._"

  "_What term?_"

  "_Gambling._" Toryl pointed to a line on the card warning minors not togamble. A look of perplexity fell upon his face. "_I am no longer surethe term has anything to do with fraternizing_," he observed mentally.

  "_Let us find out._"

  Sartan placed a quarter in the coin slot. The three little wheels wentspinning. Cherry. Lemon. Lemon.

  Nothing.

  Toryl and Sartan looked at each other, their faces blanker than ever.

  "_Try it again._"

  Sartan disposed of another quarter. They waited. Lemon. Plum. Plum.

  Nothing.

  Toryl inspected the machine from every angle, like a man on the outsidetrying to figure a way in. "_Let me try it._"

  He put a quarter in the slot.

  Three lemons.

  "_It isn't very interesting, is it?_" thought Sartan.

  "_Why don't we try the larger pieces?_"

  "_A splendid idea, Brother._"

  The larger coins did not fit. Toryl proceeded to report this sad stateof affairs to Okie and was amazed when, for the eight large coins, Okierewarded him with twenty-four smaller ones. He went back to hiscompanion at the one-armed bandit.

  They then dropped twenty consecutive quarters into the appropriatelynamed machine without getting so much as a single quarter in return.

  "_It is puzzling, is it not, Brother?_"

  "_Yes, Sartan. From all indications it would seem to be a machinetotally without purpose._"

  "_It does consume money._"

  "_But why would one build a machine whose sole purpose is to consumemoney?_"

  Sartan gave it some hard thought. "_I don't know!_"

  "_Remarkable!_" Toryl concluded. "_But nothing is done without apurpose._"

  "_Obviously we've found something that is._"

  "_No, I do not believe that. Let me have the electro-analyzer._"

  * * * * *

  The aliens were so engrossed in their problem as to be unaware that Okieand two men at the bar were casting suspicious eyes on them.

  Sartan fished around in his pocket and produced a small object in theshape of an irregular triangle. Toryl took the electro-analyzer fromhim, removed the cover and moved his finger around inside. He replacedthe cover and slapped the electro-analyzer against the side of theone-armed bandit. When he took his hand away the small object stuck tothe machine like a leech.

  Okie scratched his head and addressed one of the two men at the bar."What the hell you suppose they're doin', Sam? What's that gadget for?"

  "Search me," replied Sam, a well dressed, stoop-shoul
dered gent, "but ifyou want my opinion it doesn't look legal."

  "Hey, Nugget!" yelled the barkeep.

  Again the little old prospector hustled himself over to the bar.

  "Nugget McDermott at your service! What'll it be, Okie?"

  "Go on over and get the sheriff. Tell him there's two queer charactershere trying to jimmy one of my machines in broad daylight."

  The old man's feet kicked up sawdust as he scampered out the door. Okiekept his attention riveted to the two aliens.

  Toryl was busy adjusting the electro-analyzer to the best possibleposition.

  "_What if it does not respond to this machine?_" Sartan wanted to know.

  "_I do not think the machine contains any type of metal with which weare unfamiliar. We will have a reading in one minute._"

  The aliens took a step backward and waited.

  A sudden noise, like that of a television tube exploding, joltedeveryone in the room, including Toryl and Sartan. The blackjack tableemptied. Gamblers left their machines. A semi-circle of the curiousformed around the two aliens. Okie lit out from behind the bar andelbowed his way through the crowd.

  The aliens' concentration was unbroken by the attention they hadaroused. With all the single mindedness of religious fanatics theycontinued to observe the strange mechanical device.

  Okie was dumbfounded to find the machine still in one piece and doublydumbfounded to discover it was behaving in a most unconventional manner.It was emitting a low steady gurgling sound and an occasional sputter orburp. The legs of the machine seemed unsteady. Its body shifted back andforth in herky-jerky motions like an old-fashioned washing machine. Thethree little Bell Fruit wheels were spinning at the speed of an airplanepropellor. Okie thought they might never stop again.

  "What the hell are you crazy galoots doing to my machine!" he bellowed.

  Before the aliens could answer there was another explosive sound,causing the crowd to jump back several steps. Quarters fell from themouth of the machine, slowly at first, then at an alarming rate. Thecoins fell, bounced and rolled all over the floor. The crowd gulped withfascination.

  "Holy catfish!" said one of the men, "how long since that blastedthing's paid off?"

  "Looks like this is the first time," said one of the others.

  "You guys keep quiet!" yelled Okie.

  The coins continued to fall for what seemed like a record time. Thecrowd was spellbound. Okie watched in silent fury.

  And the aliens were more confused than they had been when the machine_wasn't_ paying off.

  * * * * *

  The one-armed bandit finally coughed out its last quarter. The threeBell Fruit wheels came to an abrupt halt, as though an inner spring hadsnapped. The machine broke down. Certain observers later reported thatthe poor thing actually _looked_ exhausted.

  The sheriff burst in the door with Nugget McDermott close behind.

  "Sheriff, I want you to arrest these two tinhorns!" cried Okie.

  "Tinhorns??" Sartan's face was creased with bewilderment.

  "What's wrong, Okie?" asked the sheriff.

  "Take a look for yourself! These two bugged my machine and then broke itdown! Look at that money all over the floor!"

  Toryl smiled. "We meant no harm, sir--"

  "The hell you didn't mean no harm! You were out to rob me!"

  "We were only ex-per-i-ment-ing--"

  "There's their crooked experimenting right there!" said Okie, pointing afinger at the deactivated one-armed bandit. "I want them locked up untilthat machine's paid for!"

  "All right," said the sheriff, "you two better come with me."

  "But, sir," Sartan protested, "we merely wanted to know how the machinefunctioned. You see, we are from Capella and--"

  "Capella!" exclaimed the sheriff. "Where is that? I never heard of theplace."

  "Well, it is not a part of your Earth."

  "Oh, well why didn't you say so before!" The sheriff winked at thecrowd. "You mean you boys are from out of this world?"

  "That is correct," Sartan grinned proudly.

  "Well, well! That makes a big difference!" The sheriff turned to thecrowd. "All right, boys, grab them and hustle them over to the jailhouse!"

  * * * * *

  A group of men slowly closed in on the two aliens.

  Toryl and Sartan backed away toward the wall.

  "_I believe they are angry, Brother_," thought Sartan.

  "_But why?_" inquired Toryl.

  "_I do not know. Do you suppose the machine represented some form ofreligious deity?_"

  "_Exceed-ing-ly possible_," Toryl answered.

  As the men came closer Okie yelled, "Just get them two crackpots! I'llplug the first man that touches that money!"

  The men were diverted by Okie's warning. They didn't notice, until itwas almost too late, that the two strangers were halfway out the door.

  "Get after them!!" the sheriff bellowed.

  The aliens ran as though their lives were at stake, which was true,following the same route they had taken into town.

  * * * * *

  The crowd followed them as far as the edge of town. From there theyhurled rocks.

  Toryl and Sartan continued to run at breakneck speed, praying they wouldreach the safety of the ship. Once they looked behind them and saw thatthe crowd of angry men had given up the chase.

  Halfway back to their ship they passed a sign, though they didn't botherto stop and read it.

  YOU ARE NOW LEAVING JUBILATION, U.S.A.!!

  The doggondest, cheeriest little town in America! Come back soon!!

  THE END

  Transcriber's Note

  This etext was produced from _Amazing Science Fiction Stories_ March1959. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S.copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling andtypographical errors have been corrected without note.